


I'm Not Brave

by Usagibean



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Internal Conflict, Internal Monologue, Other, POV First Person, What-If, ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-17
Updated: 2015-03-17
Packaged: 2018-03-18 07:31:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3561380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Usagibean/pseuds/Usagibean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard is at the precipice of choosing the fate of the galaxy. She thinks about a few things, knowing her decision almost immediately. But only one thing hurts more than her body and not seeing her friends again. Shepard's thoughts on how she never had the courage to tell the one person she cared for, that she loved him.</p>
<p>An AU-canon divergence story about Shepard never confessing her feelings towards Garrus.  Selfless Shepard to the end, she never put in the time to make herself happy. Her last thoughts are within. POV 1st person. 2360 words.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Not Brave

As I stood there, in the ship, the thing, I still didn't understand it all. Really. Here I was, some big hero, and yet I had always felt like I was whisked away for a ride. Desperately clinging to what I knew that could ground me. Grounded my thoughts and allowed me to make tough decisions. To be honest though, it was all gut instinct.

Except now.

I'm not sure what I should do. I'm too distracted by the pain in my body, everything hurts. I don't know how I'm still walking. Even standing here is taking all my strength. It's all just a ride. And here I feel like I've reached my end. It's strange really, I hadn't thought it would come to this. Well I did, but somehow I imagined myself taking down the threat like the heroes in all those old vids. Some how though, they always got their happy endings. Even after going through so much pain.

Much like I kind of feel now. 

I exist mostly in my head now, I turn and I look again. So unsure. It looks like a child, shiny, bright like an old LED light only available in antique toys. Almost blinding and yet you can't look away. There were so many ironies in it being a child. He reminds me of the child I couldn't save. IT hurts still, remembering him, being able to do nothing. Some things hurt worse though.

Thane. 

I said good bye to Thane not even that long ago. I can't remember the days anymore, everything has blended since then, but I can still hear his voice. Still so calm in the end, something I could admire. Yet, to my disbelief, I am calm now. As if suddenly, time has stopped and I can breathe. But I can't. It's held tight in my chest and now my ribs ache again. The pain ripples through me again, Thane is gone from my thoughts.

I turn back to my goal. If it is even one. I don't know what to do. As if I could even choose. People think I'm a hero and yet a majority of the time I was only driven by personal emotions. Revenge for Ashley, for the colonists and the people who died on the citadel. Now seemingly for all of the life in the universe.

Ashley... I'm so sorry. I haven't forgiven myself. I don't think I ever will. I still feel selfish for letting you die, or for feeling like I had a choice in the matter. Kaiden only betrayed me later. I... I used to wonder what it would be like if you had stayed with us. Sometimes I regret my decisions. If I had done things differently, could you have both been here? Looking at Kaiden, it hurt. He reminds me of my past, in more than I need. I see you when I look at him. I see what you could have been in his place. I see you saluting me. My friendship with him isn't the same, it no longer is.

But now, friendship doesn't matter. In a war, sacrifice is made, despite what your friends think. I couldn't stop Moridin. “Someone else would have gotten it wrong” it echoes and hurts. Sears me as badly as my bleeding wounds drying and cracking, and repeating. I understand why he did it, at least I do now. I couldn't tell him it was okay then, I could only smile, and say good bye as he rode the elevator away from us. He would be so proud, the cure is working. If only he could see it, see how happy Wrex was when he found out Bakara was with child. 

My knees feel weak and I wobble, I feel myself losing balance and with a blink I am on the floor. I don't even remember seeing the floor coming at me, just the falling sensation. I take a breather, this is all too much. I shouldn't be, people are dying. Salarians, Asari, Turians, Vorcha, Batarians, Volus, Elcor, Humans, Krogan, Quarian... Geth. As I look at the small child again, I see the odd patterns, how parts of him remind me of chips and data boards. 

The physical pain subsides. I can't stop the tears in my eyes now. I have not cried over any of them, even in solitude. I couldn't get myself to do it. But now, at the worst possible time, I am crying over the loss of my friends. Some people doubted the Geth, for so long they were our enemies. A simple solution and help to Saren's plan. All they ever were, were used. 

Legion was different. I still don't know why he came to us, why he helped. My bloodied hands wipe my face, but the tears won't stop despite how fast I push them away. The “catalyst” knows nothing, he only sees me sitting here. Perhaps, if he was human, he'd know the pain I felt at this moment. I never had children, I probably never will, but Legion. Legion was someone who needed guidance, like EDI said she got from me. How do you react when you shape a hero? I know he still lives, within the others, but the pain doesn't stop. The tears continue.

Even though my vision is blurred, I find my strength and stand again. I have made my choice now, if Legion and EDI taught me anything. They deserve life like the rest of us, we all deserve our own chance. It's tough, but the floor welcomes my footsteps, no matter how small they are. It takes me a while, I feel like I'm being rushed. Of course I am. How could I not be? Every second, another soldier dies. Another sacrifice is made. I have to stop this, because suddenly, no one else can.

I'm hesitant though, as I peer into the green light in front of me. My toes hang right over the edge but I can't jump. Why can't I jump? I can see one of my toes through my boot. Well look at that. Is any part of me undamaged? I highly suspect not. Yet even this slight, seemingly small pick up in my mind doesn't distract me. 

I feel like I'm hit with a ton of bricks. I remember now, the worst thing I could possibly remember at this moment. Why couldn't I think of my parents or Hackett and Anderson? How proud they'd be? Why do I have to think of your stupid, scarred face. 

Why after all the people I've lost, the one that hurts me the most is the one I never had? Why does something so non-existent still hurt like it was ripped away from me after getting it. A hazy after shock of him and Tali together.

I should have told him. Before all of my time disappeared. I was too busy saving everyone. Everyone except myself. Was it wrong to never say anything. To silent sit and admire him. To talk to him, seemingly interested but never letting him know? Here I am, some big damned hero, on the edge of saving the world, and I couldn't save myself from my own feelings. I used to stay up all night thinking of what I could possibly say to get his attention. 

I was going to, I swear. Is that why I have so much guilt now. Even as I stare at, well, whatever this is... is that why I feel so dumb? So stupid? Why does it even matter now? It's all trivial. I won't be here soon. 

There had been a moment, when our hands brushed close. We were practicing shooting, on one of the rarest of off days. I never got those, my crew did, but me? Rarely. So I usually spent it with my closest friends. I think others knew, Miranda and Jack would give me plenty of sad and knowing looks. I never spoke about it, but they could see. I spent most of my time with Garrus off shore, if I wasn't with him I was with Legion and Grunt. 

His hand. We both kind of pulled back, and we looked at each other. I felt like I was caught in a trap, suddenly drowning. I couldn't look him in the face right away. Instead I ended up laughing it off. Should I have said something? 

No. I should have said something when he was the first person I saw after drinking too much Ryncol at Afterlife. Such a shit hole, a glorious one at that. He was so worried, and I wanted to tell him right there, how charming he looked with his med patch on. No one knew after we pulled him out, that he was the Archangel of Omega. Just another Turian to everyone else but me. 

You weren't just some other Turian though. To be honest, growing up on a space base was tough. I saw some aliens, not all the time. Dad was still relatively anti-Turian. Ooh boy, that would have gone over well. You know I never thought I'd like someone as tall and lanky, and as odd as you. Kaiden was great, but, soon I realized there was nothing more there. Should I be surprised as I was going to have fallen for you? 

After you told me what had happened to your crew, I wanted nothing more than to hold you. That would have been awkward, but now, I wish I hadn't resisted the urge at all. Eventually I helped coax you out of your shell, but I should have done it while holding you. I hadn't any courage left in my body in the sight of you in despair. 

You had terrible jokes, just like my grandfather. Despite some of them being god awful, you still managed to make me laugh with them. Plus you knew how to use a gun. Really know how to use one. I wish I could go shooting with you again. It would be nice, maybe this time I wouldn't purposely miss the bottle. Put you in your place, tell you my lies, and tell you the truth. 

Some things I wish I could do again. I find my self suddenly laughing through the tears, silently. Reach and Flexibility. I could have gone somewhere with that. Said something alluring enough to catch your attention. Instead I acted like it had gone over my head and asked you about the Thannix cannons you had been gushing over earlier. 

Before that stupid suicide mission. I was alone that night, but you stopped by. Brought a silly old black and white vid, I still don't know who showed you it. It was terrible. Worst jokes ever, but we laughed at every one. You knew I was lonely, but you were clueless as to what to do about it. We were only friends after all, so you did what you knew what was most effective. Terrible jokes. We joked about throwing pies at collectors in a fit of distraction. Like it would have worked. 

My memories are so out of place. I keep grabbing onto the worst ones. Where I had wished I had changed. Why do I have to think of this now as I stare down. I swallow, my throat is scratchy and dry. It's hard, like how my joints are stiffening and locking in some places.

I was so overwhelmed to see you alive on Menae. I knew you were out fighting to save your home, like we all were. I hadn't thought that seeing you would make me want to cry. I still can't believe I was able to keep it together around you. Then again, we were being shot at left and right.

Oh. Oh no. Menae. You knew. That's what that was about. Your seemingly ambiguous question on where we stood. I thought you meant as comrades and as a member on my crew. Please. No. My face is hot. Were you trying to get me to say something about it? Couldn't you ask yourself? Why couldn't have I seen it sooner. Did you actually know? Was that my last chance? This hurts worse than my burnt flesh, and my cracked bones. Oh, every piece of me hurts so bad now. 

It really hurt, probably more than the pain in my body now. I mean it truly ached when I saw you and Tali flirting. Not as bad as when I walked in. I really did muck it up. I suppose being selfless most of your life causes you to over look the things you want most out of it. 

Even when I had more chances I fumbled. The last one... as you were flying away. I forced you to take Liara and leave. I couldn't stand to have you that close. I should have screamed it, but I just wanted you two safe. Now I have no chance. 

I had so many opportunities to tell you how I felt. For someone they make out to be one of the bravest people in the galaxy, I feel like nothing but a coward. I've always found it hard to be selfish, and I suppose that's why I'm about to throw my life away. Am I really doing that though? People will live because of me, and... Tali and Garrus will have a chance at a happy life without me in it. 

That's insane, I know they'll miss me, but oh, stupid brain. The pain is becoming unbearable. I feel my chest tightening, it's getting hard to breathe. I feel dizzy now and my eyes flutter closed. It feels strange.

Wait. My eyes open barely now. 

Why is the floor floating away. 

Oh. 

I suppose, you know, if it's the end I could at least try to remember the best of it all. But that's really hard to do when all I can think about is your stupid, beautiful, scarred face. I hope your happy Garrus, it's all I've ever wanted for you. 

I feel calm now, the pain is fading. I can't wait for that drink.


End file.
